News & Cornography

  • NOTICE

    There are too many musicians in San Francisco, more than enough to fill all the "jobs". What we need is work, not musicians. Stay away from San Francisco. You will find it cheaper in the end.

    Notice signed By order, Board of Directors, Local #6, San Francisco

    Posted in the American Musician, 1898

  • Why are we still there?

    Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

    We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

    Many of our children go there and never come back.

    Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.

    Many of their people are uncivilized.

    The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.

    There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.

    Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

    We can't even secure the borders.

    They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

    It is becoming clear.. WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!

  • Communications

    This news item came from a French person in London through our correspondent in Croatia:

    This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the U. S. Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

  • Technological hardball, a true story

    reprinted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation.

  • The Federal Aviation Commission has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is an air cannon that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

    The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcase impact, it will survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

    British Rail was very interested in this, and wanted to test the windshield on a brand new ultra high-speed locomotive they were developing. So British Rail borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken, and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel, and imbedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.

    The British engineers were stunned, and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked the test throughly and had one recommendation: "Try thawing the chicken next time."

  • From the Harper's Index:

    Number of countries who have gone to war against each other when both had a McDonald's franchise: Zero.

  • Words to live by:
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

    There are two rules for ultimate success in life: 1. Never tell everything you know.

    Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    Call us today for the finest in used, vintage gear, and twaddling. ..........(def: twaddling: idle conversation)

    Audio Village, Palm Springs, CA 760/320-0728,

    E-mail us at: audiovlg@ gte.net (remove the space after the @)

  • Maxims for the internet age
    1. Home is where you hang your @
    2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
    3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
    4. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
    5. Great groups from little icons grow.
    6. Speak softly and carry a Cellular phone.
    7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
    8. Don't put all your hypes in one Home page.
    9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
    10. The modem is the message.
    11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
    12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
    13. A chat has nine lives.
    14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
    15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
    16. What boots up must come down.
    17. Windows will never cease.
    18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
    19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
    20. Modulation in all things
    21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
    22. There's no place like http://www.home.com/
    23. Know what to expect before you connect.
    24. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net, and he won't bother you for weeks.

  • More jokes
  • A day without sunshine is like. . . . night.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    Some people are lost in thought simply because it's unfamiliar territory.

    When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

    Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

    Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

    I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

    Audio Village, Palm Springs, California, phone 760/320-0728,

    E-Mail us at: audiovlg@ gte.net (remove the space after the @)

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